A season prediction by Craig Thompson, with added ships and pirate talk.

Fast forward to the 11th May 2014 – It is the last day of the Premier League Season. The finishing line is nearing and clubs duke it out for a reputable final standing. The usual suspects are leading the fleet; Chelsea, the two Manchester’s, Arsenal and Spurs. They are followed by a host of other vessels grouped together, eager to push on. Newcastle sit comfortably in 10th place, unmoved for now. Mike Ashley is the man clutching the helm, with Alan Pardew stood by his side in lieutenant mode. Whilst calm at first, waters begin to get murky.

55 Minutes

‘Blimey! It’s getting rough out there.’ exclaims Ashley.  ‘Typical last day of the season, eh? Trading places, prize money on the line. This is better than a night out in Aspers.’

The ship hits another bit of tempestuous water.

‘Sink me!’ bellows Ashley. ‘God, I love this stuff.  How’s the crew doing, Al?

Pardew looks back to the ship’s crew who are frantically working away. Yohan Cabaye and Mathieu Debuchy both manoeuvre the ships mast, whilst Fabricio Coloccini is seen fixing a leak on deck.

‘They’re working hard, Mike.’ responds Pardew.

‘Mike?’ snaps Ashley.

‘Sorry, I mean Captain. Captain Mike’

‘That’s better. And how’s Joseph, the old landlubber?’

Pardew looks at Joe Kinnear, who is sat in a crumpled heap on the ship’s deck, passed out with an empty bottle of rum in one hand. He stirs momentarily, only to be sick on himself.

‘He’s fine, Captain…Mike’.

‘We need to steady the ship, Al. Tenth place is good. Think of the prize money. It’ll open a few more Sports Direct stores, that’s for sure.’

Pardew stares blankly at Ashley.

‘…and a couple of players! Don’t be so uptight, Al. You need a clap of thunder, is what you need. Right, now relay this message to the crew for me…a tenth place finish and the grogs are on Captain Mike next weekend at the Orange Tree. And Pistachios. Don’t forget the Pistachios.’

‘But, Captain –‘

‘Be gone with you, lad’. barks Ashley.

Pardew scuttles off, downgraded from Lieutenant to messenger boy.

62 Minutes

Ashley wrestles with the helm as waters get choppier. Graham Carr has moved over from the opposite side of the deck and is now stood by Ashley.

‘Ahoy there, Graham. How are we doing?’ calls out Ashley.

‘We’re falling behind, Captain. Swansea have pushed forward.’ responds Carr.

‘Damn that Huw Jenkins.’ rages Ashley.

‘He’s invested well in his crew this year, Captain. They have a good ship’.

‘Avast, Graham. The man’s a scallywag. You know that.’

70 Minutes

Waters are now raging and Ashley is struggling; rocking from side to side like a plump Weeble.

‘Are you alright, Captain?’ asks Carr, concerned.

‘I’m fine, Graham. Nothing Captain Mike can’t handle. ’

75 Minutes

Ashley battles with the ships helm once more. The Weeble is staying up, for now.

‘Sail ho!’ shouts Ashley. ‘Who the devil is that?’

Newcastle have been overtaken by another ship. Carr reaches for his Spyglass.

‘Norwich, Captain.’ confirms Carr.

‘Delia! The old sea dog!’ fumes Ashley.

Delia Smith can be seen giving Ashley ‘the finger’ as her ship cuts in front of Newcastle.

‘Let’s be having you!! Mehhhhh!!’ she squeals as Norwich move ahead.

‘They have a good ship this year’ says Carr.

‘Stop saying that, Graham!’ shouts Ashley, wobbling around.

‘We could do with some more personnel, Captain. The lads are struggling.’

Carr turns around to see the crew desperately trying to get the ship back on course. Kinnear has now awoke and is taking a piss overboard.

‘It’s too late now, Graham! Sometimes you just have to ride the Kraken with what you’ve got. Twelfth place is fine. The prize money…its good booty.’

82 Minutes

As the storm rages on, Newcastle fall even further behind. Three more ships have passed; Southampton, Aston Villa and West Ham.

‘Fifteenth’ shouts Carr, looking through his Spyglass.

‘Arr!’ cries out Ashley. ‘This is desperate measures, Graham, but on my command…fire in the hole!’

Carr looks at Ashley vacantly.

‘You know this ship has no cannons, don’t you Mike?’

‘C-C-Captain. M-M-Mike.’ utters and exhausted Ashley, barely audible.

Pardew rushes back to the scene.

‘Message passed onto the crew, Captain. They wanted Cashews as well, but I think I –‘

‘Al. You’re back.’ grumbles Ashley. ‘Do me a favour and take over for me would you, lad. Mike’s got a case of the old sea legs. I need a lie down’.

Ashley trundles off out of sight. Pardew takes the helm and looks at Carr.

‘I guess it’s just me and you then, Graham.’

Carr takes one look at Pardew and jumps overboard.

92 Minutes

Newcastle come in at Sixteenth place.

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  1. Craig

    Shambolic times, Mike! The problem we have now is other clubs have caught up if not surpassed us. The likes of Southampton and Norwich are doing great business this year and we are stood still.


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